Feature Article
Myths and Unrealistic Expectations about Stepfamily Life
Erin Angst, M.A., Human Development & Family Studies Graduate, University of Missouri-Columbia
It is common to have unrealistic expectations about
family life. However, unrealistic expectations can
hinder the development of positive stepfamily
relationships. Some myths that many people have as they
enter into stepfamilies are:
Nonresident parents become unimportant.
This is the false belief that because a biological
parent is not physically there he/she is not important
in understanding what is currently going on in the
stepfamily. This belief is more likely when a biological
parent is out of the picture. Nonresident parents
continue to play a strong part in the stepfamily, even
if they are not currently involved with the children,
because of their contribution to the history of that
family. Also, many stepfamilies are formed rather
quickly following divorce, so parents and children may
still be grieving the loss of their former family life
while they are trying to develop a new life together as
a stepfamily.
Adjustment to stepfamily life will happen quickly.
This is a common expectation, but it rarely ever
happens. Lots of parents expect that everyone in the new
family will adjust well within weeks or months, and they
are very disappointed and upset when this does not
happen. In reality it takes lots of time; it usually
takes several years for family members to adjust to
being in a stepfamily.
The myth of instant love
Many members of stepfamilies believe that the stepparent
and stepchildren should and will quickly feel love and
affection for each other. However, it takes time to
develop love and affection and this may not be a
realistic goal for some stepparent-child relationships.
Some stepparents and children will never love each
other, but they can work toward treating each other with
cooperation and respect.
Communicating about expectations early in the process of stepfamily development (preferably before moving in together) helps set the stage for positive stepfamily relationships.
Last Updated 05/06/2008
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