Feature Article
Dating, Remarriage and Children
Arthur J. Schneider, Human Development Regional Specialist, University of Missouri Extension in Cooper County
According to researcher Constance Ahrons, who recently
completed a 20-year study of children of divorce, about
half of all American children will experience a parent’s
remarriage before they reach age 18. Ahrons found that
parent dating and remarriage has a significant impact on
children.
Many institutions, including the U.S. Census Bureau, have only recently
begun to recognize this trend. Ahrons suggests that this
lag, which results in institutions considering only one
type of family as normal, makes other forms seem
deviant. From a child’s standpoint, all family
arrangements constitute a family, whether they include
parents or parental figures. However, when the
arrangements include more than one household, changes in
one household can influence the others.
The courtship process
Nearly all the children in Ahrons’ study reported their
parents dated or remarried within two years of
separation. One-third said one of their parents started
dating within a year of separation. One-third said one
of their parents had already formed a new relationship
before the divorce.
Ahrons found that most of the children she studied consider their
parents’ dating lives strange. It is rarely easy for
children to witness their parents dating. Parents may
enjoy the courtship process, but children may worry
about how the process will change their lives.
Children age 5 to 10 are more possessive of their mother than older
children. They may feel threatened or resentful at
having to share their mothers with new men. Older
children resent seeing their mothers showing affection
to other men. Dealing with their mothers’ overt
sexuality can be troubling and confusing for teens. For
example, one child in the study said he thought his
mother was “behaving like a teenager.”
Older children who have witnessed their parents’ bad marriages are more
receptive to their parents’ new relationships. Still,
few teens accept a new partner as a parent figure. Many
will challenge authority at every opportunity, and the
more a stepparent or new partner tries to serve as a
parent, the more resistant children will be. Ahrons says
it is best for the new parent figure to serve as a
friend rather than an authority figure.
Children may become more upset when their fathers date than when their
mothers date. Ahrons says this may be because they
already see their fathers less, leading them to feel
more threatened by new relationships. A father’s
attention to another woman is often seen as an insult to
the children, especially when that woman is believed to
have caused the divorce. Ahrons found that most children
prefer not to be involved in their fathers’ dating
lives.
Cohabitation and marriage
A parent’s cohabitating with or marrying a new partner
is a major adjustment for children of divorce. The
child’s opinion of the new relationship depends largely
on the opinion of the other parent.
Young children do not notice a difference between cohabitating and
marriage. Instead, they are concerned about the new
partner’s reliability and stability.
One-third of the children in Ahrons’ study reported that their parents’
remarriages were more stressful than their divorces.
Children found their fathers’ remarriages more difficult
than their mothers’ remarriages. When a primary
custodial parent remarries, it may involve a change of
home or school, loss of friends, or moving farther from
the non-custodial parent.
Ahrons found that a significant number of children in the study didn’t
know of their father’s plans to remarry until after the
remarriage occurred. Some barely knew their new
stepmothers. Fathers said they did not want their
ex-wives to know they were remarrying. As a result,
children felt left out, abandoned and less likely to
trust their fathers. Ahrons says that children who knew
their new stepmothers well before remarriage were more
accepting of the new relationships.
Children tend to know their mothers’ new husbands very well before
remarriage. When the remarriage takes place, children
are not as affected as they may have been if they had
been surprised by the remarriage.
What to know after remarriage
It is important to spend time alone with your biological
children rather than always having the new stepparent
present. Children also like to have a special place to
keep their things in your new home. They can be
protective about belongings.
A common mistake is trying to form a new family too quickly. It is
important to make time to establish rules and rituals
that pertain to all of the family’s children.
Most often, children live with their mothers and stepfathers. Ahrons
found that the children she studied had five views of
stepfathers:
- Like a dad. When a child is young (under 7 years) at the time of the remarriage, he or she sees the new husband as a father.
- Substitute father. When a child is not close to the father before the divorce, he or she often views the stepfather as the father he or she wishes the biological father had been.
- Bonus dad. When parents are cooperative and children are not caught in conflicting loyalties, a child may have a close relationship with both the father and the stepfather.
- Friend, mentor or pal. The stepfather is viewed as a friend, but not as a parent figure.
- Wicked stepfather. Happened most often with remarriages that lasted less than five years. Alcoholism pervaded this group. Some children chose to move from the biological mother’s house to the biological father’s house and some chose to stay with the biological mother to protect her.
Ahrons also identified six common views of
stepmothers:
- Almost a mom. When a child thinks of the stepmother as mom-like, but loyalty remains with the biological mother.
- A good friend. A close relationship may develop over the years.
- Mediator. The stepmother’s intervention can benefit the father/child relationship.
- Civil and polite. When the stepmother/child relationship is not close, but not awful either.
- Interloper. When the stepmother is viewed as “in the way” of a relationship between the child and the father. The child feels jealous and the relationship does not improve over time.
- Wicked stepmother. Children tolerate their stepmother, but avoid her as often as possible.
Stepmothers typically do not live with their
stepchildren. Ahrons says only 8 percent of all
stepmothers live with their stepchildren.
Because fathers tend to remarry sooner, children
often have a stepmother before they have a
stepfather. Ahrons says that when a father
remarries soon after a divorce, the mother feels
betrayed and angry. The second wife is usually
younger than the first wife. Adolescent boys may
feel sexually attracted to their new
stepmothers. They may also have difficulty
relating to their youthful stepmothers.
Daughters may see a younger stepmother as an
enemy.
When there are stepsiblings, anger and resentment among children will
increase. Sharing a bedroom with new
stepsiblings can be difficult for a child.
Children need time to adjust to new
stepsiblings. It is common for jealousy to arise
between stepsiblings. In Ahrons’ study,
three-fourths of the children had stepsiblings.
One-third lived with their stepsiblings for a
period of time.
Stepsiblings are commonly seen by each other as cousins, acquaintances,
friends, distant relatives, strangers or
enemies. Age differences, frequency of contact
and personality affect the kind of relationships
made between stepsiblings.
Most children in Ahrons’ study lived with a half-sibling, which was
more likely to occur on the father’s side than
the mother’s. Adult children considered their
half-siblings brothers or sisters, though older
children had more difficulty with their
half-siblings. Older children may feel like
surrogate parents. However, the greater the
difference in age between the half-siblings, the
more likely there will be a decrease in sibling
rivalry.
Source:
Ahrons, Constance. We’re Still Family.
New York: HarperCollins, 2004.
Last Updated 05/12/2009
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