Talking with Teens about Sex

Kim Allen, Ph.D., M.F.T., State Specialist, Director, Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting (CASPP), Human Development & Family Studies, University of Missouri Extension

Sexuality is just one area of significance in the life of a teen, but the decisions around this topic are great enough in scope that they could alter the journey into adulthood tremendously. Parent’s are the most influential factor in the sexual decision-making process during adolescence.

Again and again, the literature on adolescent health shows that parents are the number one potential influence on the sexual decisions of adolescents. Perhaps more importantly, kids really care about what their parents want, and listen to what they say.

Research shows that students want sexual education information from their parents, and that the parents are the most influential factor in their decisions related to sexuality. However, parent’s report that talking with their teens about sexual issues is difficult and teens report that parent’s are the least likely source of information about sexual education.
 

Many parents share the concern that having these conversations might lead the youth to sexual activity prematurely. The truth is, teens are thinking about sex whether or not the parent is talking about it. There has never been a study supporting the notion that communication leads to sexual promiscuity. In fact, just the opposite is true. Several studies indicate that having conversations about sex decreases the likelihood of sexual risk taking or sexual activity. Even though it may be difficult, there are steps parents can take to help their teens make good decisions about sexual activity.
 

Share your values. Research is clear that teens make sexual decisions based on parent’s and personal values. Sharing values with teens gives them the power to make better choices because they know exactly what their parents would want.
 

Have frequent communication. Having “the big talk” about the birds and the bees is not adequate for helping teens make sexual decisions. Teens have to make these decisions over and over, and the more frequently the parents are talking about sexual decision making, the better.
 

Start conversations early. There is never a bad time to have sexuality discussions, but the earlier the better. Research shows that when parents have this conversation prior to the first sexual encounter, the results are even better than waiting until the adolescent is sexually active.
 

Keep a good connection. Teenagers who have a good relationship with their parents are more likely to make good decisions about sexual activity. Youth that feel satisfied with their relationship with their parents report waiting longer for sexual initiation and report having fewer sexual partners and an increase in contraception use.
 

Listen. Sometimes, just being available to listen to teens without passing judgment can be just what they need to make the best decisions. Keep lines of communication open by reflecting feelings, using “I” statements and listening.
 

Offer contraception information. If a teenager decides to become sexually active, using contraception is the best way to keep the child safe from teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. More information about contraception parent communication can be found though family doctors, health departments as well as at these websites:
 

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents/contraception.htm
 

http://www.reproline.jhu.edu/english/1fp/1methods/1methods.htm
 

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/parentchild.htm

References
Dittus, P., Miller, K., Kotchick, B., & Forehand, R. (2004). Why parents matter!: The conceptual basis for a community-based HIV prevention program for the parents of African American youth. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 13, 5-20.

Fitzharris, J., & Werner-Wilson, J. (2004). Multiple perspectives of parent-adolescent sexuality communication: phenomenological description of a Rashoman effect. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 32, 273-288.

Somers, C, & Surmann, A. (2004). Adolescents’ preferences for source of sex education. Child Study Journal, 34, 47-59.