Feature Article
Helping Children Feel Good About Themselves
Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D., Former Professor, Department of Human Development & Family Studies, College of Human Environmental Sciences, University of Missouri-Columbia
All of us, including children, see ourselves in a
certain way in our thoughts. In fact, we have a mental
picture of ourselves. For children, this picture
includes who they are, what they can do, and how they
think others see them. It may be good or bad or some of
each. For example, a child may feel that he or she does
well in school, not so well at sports, or is good at
getting along with friends.
How children feel about themselves is important for a
good and healthy life. Children who feel good about
themselves usually get better grades in school. They
seem better at taking on hard jobs, they try their best,
and they usually succeed. Also, children who have a good
(positive) picture of themselves tend to make better
friends because they seem more sure of themselves.
Children’s feelings about themselves are very
important to their future. And parents can play an
important role in helping children have positive
feelings about themselves.
Feeling All Alone
Children in single-parent families often think nobody
else’s family is like theirs. They feel that they are
different. As a parent, it is important to remind them
that there are many single-parent families. Tell them
about friends and others whose families are headed by a
single parent. This may not work the first time, but it
will help to remind children that they are not “the only
ones.”
Children in single-parent families, especially as a
result of divorce, may also wonder if their parents
still care for them and love them. Children need lots of
words of love and hugs that say “I care.” Remind
children that friends, grandparents, relatives,
teachers, and others all care about them.
Children may even blame themselves for a death in the
family or a divorce. They may think that it wouldn’t
have happened if they had just behaved better. Children
need to be comforted and told that they are not to blame
for death or divorce.
Building Self-Esteem
In order to see themselves in a positive way, children
must be able to see their strong points. Self-praise is
basic to positive self-esteem. Children don’t praise
themselves without help--it won’t happen automatically.
Parents can help children think in positive terms by
helping them see their strong points and talents. For
example, at dinner or at the end of the day, ask your
child, “What did you accomplish today?” If you know
about a success, you could say, “How do you feel about
what you’ve done today?” or “I bet you feel good about
what you did!”
Teaching children to praise themselves does not mean
that you are teaching the child to brag. Bragging puts
other people down: “I’m the fastest kid in my class.”
“I’m better at math than anybody else.” Self-praise
compares the past to the present--then and now. For
example, “I can run a lot faster this year than last
year,” or “I’ve really gotten better in math.”
Realistic Goals
A child’s self-esteem is helped by success and harmed by
failure. Help your children set goals that they can
really reach. Help them feel successful. Children need
goals that fit and that work into their lives. Help your
child meet a goal by taking small steps. Only one child
can be the fastest runner in the class. But every child
can run around the block one minute faster than before,
and most children can work toward that goal a little bit
at a time. Five seconds faster next week, five seconds
faster the next week, and so on.
Children also need to know how to deal with failure.
Sometimes even the best children will not be able to
meet some goals. Help your children learn something
about themselves even when they fail. The only total
failure is when they don’t learn anything from failure.
When children don’t do well at school, they can learn to
study more for tests or they may try some new study
skills. When children do not succeed, help them look at
what they did and find ways to do things differently
next time. Remember to praise them for trying.
Being perfect is never the goal. And trying to be
perfect all the time is a sure way to fail. Just help
children try to do better.
Feeling “Down”
Like all of us, children have those days when they don’t
feel good about themselves. Nothing has gone right at
school, or a best friend said something mean. Let your
children know that you care about how they are feeling.
Try to spend time alone with each child every day. It
could be when you’re in the car and the child is in the
front seat with you. Or as you put each child to bed.
Many parents find it important to have a little time
alone for each child.
Coping with Tough Times
Children also have those days when they feel frustrated.
They tried to do something good and it didn’t work.
Children must learn how to handle these times so that
they don’t dislike themselves and let themselves become
the enemy. When your children are feeling down, see if
they would like to do something special for themselves.
Remind them to treat themselves with kindness and love.
People will treat you better if you treat yourself well.
You may know of other ways to remind children that
they are worth caring about. Sometimes it helps them to
be with other friends or family members that they like.
Or perhaps they can think of something to do for someone
else. Many times it helps to think about the needs of
others and to help another person. It reminds us that we
are important and have much to offer, even on a bad day.
Discussion Questions
The following questions can be used to talk about
children’s feelings about themselves.
- Do you ever feel like you're the only kid who lives with only one parent or whose parents live apart? When do you feel like that? What can we do to make you feel less alone?
- It’s important to know what you’re good at. What are you good at? You should remind yourself about what you’re good at. Do you ever remind yourself? What do you think you’re good at?
- Have you ever failed at something and then felt like you weren’t good at anything? Have you ever felt like that? What did you do?
- Some kids feel better when they play with their
friends, even if they are feeling down or bad. What
can you do when you’re not feeling good?
Activity
On a big sheet of paper, have your children draw
pictures of themselves. On the pictures, they should
draw all the things that they are good at. Sports,
schoolwork, chores, getting along with others, and so
on. Hang the picture in your child’s room or on the
refrigerator.
Last Updated 05/11/2009
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