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What Parents Can Do to Help Young Children Adjust to Divorce
Kim Leon, Ph.D., Former Human Development and Family Studies, College of Human Environmental Sciences, University of Missouri-Columbia
What are some things that parents can do to make the
divorce transition easier for infants and toddlers?
Communicate with your child's other parent
Some parenting issues require communication and
coordination between parents. Discuss major changes,
such as changing naptime, changing childcare
arrangements, or beginning toilet training with the
other parent.
Set reasonable limits and enforce them in a
consistent, loving way
Sometimes when parents divorce, they become more or less
strict than they were before. Parents may become
stricter, setting lots of rules and not allowing any
flexibility, because they are having a harder time
managing their child's behavior. Other parents may
become less strict, allowing their child to do things
they wouldn't normally allow because they feel bad about
the divorce. They want to "make up" for the divorce by
allowing their child more freedom or buying their child
more things. Parents may also become more permissive
following a divorce because they are too preoccupied
with their own concerns to closely monitor their
children.
Children benefit the most when their parents find a
balance between being too strict and being too
permissive. Infants are too young for rules. They need
to be physically removed from dangerous situations, or
distracted when they are doing something they shouldn't
do. Toddlers need clear, simple rules that are
consistently enforced in a calm and loving way, for
example, "Color on the paper, not the wall," or "Hitting
hurts people. You may hit the pillow instead." Allowing
toddlers to choose between two appropriate options helps
to avoid constant struggles. For example, "Do you want
graham crackers or a banana for your snack today?"
Notice Signs of Stress in Your Child
- More crying or tantrums
- Loss of appetite or other digestive disturbances
- Changes in sleep patterns: difficulty getting to sleep or sleeping through the night
- Behavior changes: quieter or withdrawn; fussier; more kicking, hitting, or biting; more difficulty separating; following directions less often
- "Babyish" behavior: thumb sucking or loss of bladder or bowel control. These behaviors usually go away in time.
- Physical symptoms: tummy-aches or headaches
Talk to your pediatrician first if these behaviors
appear. If there is not a physical problem, your
pediatrician may know where to go for more information.
See the "Resources" section at the end of this guide for
more places to look for help.
Provide Reassurance Surrounding Transitions
All children respond to transitions differently. Some
easily adjust to frequent transitions between homes, but
others have a harder time. Some infants and toddlers
become very upset by separation from a parent, but
others do not. Many young children show signs of stress
(see above) when they make frequent transitions between
homes. Most young children need a lot of reassurance
before and after transitions. Give your child enough
time to say good-bye to you and to warm up to the other
parent. Send your child's favorite toys or blanket with
the child when he or she goes to the other parent's
house. Allow young children to have a photograph of the
other parent and to make phone calls to the other
parent. This reminds them that the other parent is still
there and still loves them.
Maintain Consistent Routines
Having consistent routines (having generally the same
mealtimes, naptimes, bathtimes, and bedtimes each day)
is very important for young children, because it helps
them to feel secure. The world is a confusing place for
infants and toddlers. Consistent daily routines help
them know what is going to happen next. Try to continue
old family rituals that your child is used to, for
example, going to the park on Saturday afternoon. It is
also important to create new rituals, especially if a
new adult becomes a regular part of family life.
Starting new rituals that include a new partner helps
build a strong stepfamily.
Last Updated 05/06/2008
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