Feature Article
Toddlers and Divorce (ages 18 months - 3 years)
Kim Leon, Ph.D., Former Human Development and Family Studies, College of Human Environmental Sciences, University of Missouri-Columbia
Communication
A major difference between infants and toddlers is that
toddlers can use language to express thoughts and
feelings. Even though toddlers are learning to use
language, there are many things they don't understand.
Toddlers understand that one parent is not living in the
home, but they do not understand why. They also do not
understand time. For example a toddler may ask, "When is
Daddy coming?" and the parent may reply "You will see
Daddy on Thursday." The child may ask the same question
two hours later, because he doesn't understand how long
it is until Thursday. This can be very frustrating for
parents because toddlers will often ask the same
questions over and over again. It is still important to
answer your toddler's questions, but to know that your
toddler doesn't really understand even after you explain
it. Try to see the world through your child's eyes.
Imagine what it is like to be in a confusing place where
you often don't understand what is going on and have
limited ability to express your thoughts and feelings.
For toddlers, the support of an adult who knows them
well, understands their thoughts and feelings, and helps
them express those thoughts and feelings makes a world
of difference.
Thoughts
It is hard for toddlers to see things from another
person's perspective. They think about things in
relation to themselves. When parents divorce, toddlers
are most concerned about how their own needs will be
met. Toddlers commonly worry about who will fix their
dinner or tuck them in bed, if the parent they live with
is also going to leave, and if their parents still love
them.
Feelings
In the toddler period, children become more aware of
others' feelings and learn to express their own feelings
with words and through play. They may become more
aggressive or fearful when their parents divorce.
Frequent shifts in emotional state are common for
toddlers. One minute they are happily playing, and a few
minutes later they are upset. It is hard for toddlers to
manage strong feelings like sadness or anger. They may
miss the parent who is gone or be angry about not being
able to be with a parent. Toddlers need to know it is
all right to have these feelings.
Behavior
Toddlers can do many more things on their own than
infants can. Toddlers exert their independence by
frequently saying "No" to adult requests or testing
limits (for example, intentionally throwing food on the
floor). Toddlers' negative behavior and acting out may
increase during the divorce process. Toddlers need
clear, consistent rules that are enforced in a loving
way. Even though they may seem very independent,
toddlers need constant supervision to keep them safe.
Last Updated 05/12/2009
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