Feature Article
Nurture Relationships through Better Listening
Mary Gosche, Human Development Specialist, University of Missouri Extension
This year my husband and I quietly celebrated our
thirtieth wedding anniversary and my son will be getting
married soon. So weddings and more importantly
relationships are on my mind.
When our children were growing up, we had rules. So
let’s go over some rules of better listening that could
grow any relationship.
- Let your partner know that you are listening. This does not mean you agree with him or her. It means giving eye contact and doing nothing else while he or she is talking.
- Repeat back what your partner is saying as accurately as you can. If he or she is really angry, repeat it word for word. Otherwise repeat back the central feelings. You will discover whether you actually heard what was said.
- Sympathize, reflecting the feeling as accurately as you can. This does not mean that you agree with what was said. A comment like, “Oh, you sound like you’ve had a really long day and you need a break” helps the other person know you care that he or she feels bad.
- Ask, “Is there anything more you want to tell me about this?” Your sensitive question gives your partner a second and third chance to calm their feelings.
Howard Markman in his book, Fighting for Your Marriage,
suggests the couple use an object for the person to
hold, while they “have the floor”. The person holding
the object talks and shares while the other person
listens and follows the four rules above.
Disagreeing, changing the subject or injecting your
opinion will simply cause your partner to start
repeating himself or herself.
Notice when you and your partner communicate best and try to arrange those times together on a regular basis. “Healing” listening isn’t always required. Don’t try to make every interaction an opportunity for an in-depth discussion. And do not fall into the trap of thinking of what you want to say while the other person is talking.
Sources:
Markman, H., Stanley, S. and Blumberg, S. Fighting for
Your Marriage, Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2001.
Lindquist, C., Nurturing couple relationships through better listening. Work & Family Life newsletter, May 2004.
Last Updated 05/06/2008
 |
Site Administrator: |
|
|
|
