Feature Article
Building Strong Marriages
Adapted by Diane Kerns, Human Development Specialist, University of Missouri Extension in Livingston County
Most Americans consider marriage an important goal in
their lives. In fact, more than 90 percent of adults
will marry at least once in their lifetime. About half
of these marriages will indeed last a lifetime. Almost
all marriages start with adults who are committed to
making the marriage last, but relationships change as
life pressures become greater.
Research indicates that most successful marriages
have key characteristics in common, namely high levels
of positivism, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love and
respect.
Successful marriages are based on positive
thoughts and actions. This does not mean that
marriages are void of any negativity. Feelings and
thoughts that are not discussed and resolved can lead to
frustration and hostility. There must be a balance
between positive and negative actions. Positive
interactions may include being affectionate, taking
pride and joy in each other’s achievements, and
listening attentively to each other.
Empathy means understanding and identifying with
another’s feelings and seeing another person’s
perspective by putting oneself in his or her shoes.
Both spouses must commit to the relationship for a
marriage to thrive. To find satisfaction in a
marriage, spouses need to be concerned for each other.
Sometimes this may mean that one has to sacrifice some
of his or her own needs for the sake of the marriage.
Everyone needs, and wants, to be accepted and to
feel valued and respected. Change is often resisted
when force is used. However, if spouses respect each
other’s differences and accept each other, marriages
have a better chance of success.
All marriages will experience some type of conflict.
Common areas of conflict include money, in-laws, sex and
children. The success of any marriage depends on how
skillfully couples handle these conflicts.
Ideas for effective marital communication:
- Try to understand what your spouse is feeling when he/she talks to you.
- Let your spouse know that you understand what he/she means by giving both verbal and nonverbal feedback.
- Be aware that nonverbal communication can be very powerful. Facial expressions or body posture should be positive.
- Try not to make judgmental comments or jump to conclusions before the other person is finished speaking.
- Be respectful of the other person’s perspectives, even if you do not agree with them.
- Really listen to your spouse to show that you value his or her opinions and ideas.
- To make conversation easier, make sure there are no distractions. Talk when the children are gone, turn off the television or leave the home so the telephone will not interrupt.
- Communicate clearly and directly so you are understood.
- Focus on your own feelings when speaking and try not to guess what your spouse is thinking.
Creating a strong marriage is challenging but worth the
hard work and determination.
This article was adapted from:
Clark, Janet A and Sharon J. Leigh. Creating a Strong
and Satisfying Marriage. (Guide GH6610) University
of Missouri Extension, 2000.
http://extension.missouri.edu/explore/hesguide/humanrel/gh6610.htm
Last Updated 05/06/2008
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