Feature Article
Grief is essential to heal from a divorce
Kris Jenkins, former Human Environmental Sciences Specialist, Bates County, University of Missouri Extension
Divorce is a traumatic event. Whether you’re the person who wanted the divorce or the spouse who wanted to remain in the marriage, there’s nothing simple or painless about it. Likewise, couples who aren’t married but have been in a long-term, committed relationship, as well as the children of these families, suffer the same anguish.
On every list of life’s most stressful events, divorce is listed
second only to the death of a spouse. The emotional, physical and
economic stresses can be almost overwhelming. For that reason, people
need to mourn the loss by working through their grief.
The five stages of grief were made famous by Elizabeth Kubler Ross’
book, On Death and Dying. The stages include denial, anger,
bargaining, depression and acceptance.
The initial stage is denial. The “This can’t be happening
to me” reaction is normal as people deny reality and believe that
the spouse will come back or is just going through a phase or crisis.
It’s not unusual to ignore the obvious signs that the spouse wants
the divorce.
Anger closely follows denial. As the cold, harsh reality
of the situation sets in, long-existent anger and frustration surfaces.
People may be angry about their treatment, the settlement offer,
the lies and deceit that have occurred, or they may just be mad
about everything.
Spouses often get caught in the destructive desire to “get back
or get even.” When children are involved, this bitter fighting can
cause life-long, painful scars. Anger can be healthy if dealt
with in a positive and constructive manner.
The third stage is bargaining. It’s human nature to attempt
to recreate reality. Often a spouse may promise to change, compromise
values or beliefs or beg the other to return. At this stage very
few marriages are saved, instead, people begin to realize what caused
the marital problems and understand that the relationship has ended.
Depression is the fourth stage. The “I just don’t care anymore” attitude is perfectly normal when you lose something or someone important to you. People often get stuck in this stage and may need help from friends or even a physician to get them over the hump.
The final stage is acceptance. Realization that the marriage
or relationship is over is a major step. Acceptance means you are
ready to move on in a positive manner and find a new path for your
life.
All five stages of grief are essential for adults and children to
heal from a divorce or permanent separation. There is no easy path
and you can’t hurry or force someone through the levels. It just
takes time.
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Last Updated 01/18/2012
