Feature Article
Helping Children Get Along with Friends
Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D., Former Professor, Department of Human Development & Family Studies, College of Human Environmental Sciences, University of Missouri-Columbia
Friends are important to children. They make life more
interesting and fun. They are playmates, and they help
children feel that they belong. Children who have
friends are less lonely and depressed. They are also
more likely to feel confident and good about themselves.
In long-range terms, we know that when kids have good
friendships, they will probably do well in school and
grow up to be well-adjusted adults. For these reasons,
it is important for adults to help children learn to be
good friends and to have good friends.
Children’s Ideas about Friends
As children grow up, their ideas about friends change.
As preschoolers, friends are there to play with. While
these friendships may not seem very important, they
really give children much happiness.
In the school-age years, children start to build some clear ideas about
friendship. In general, friends are those they play
with, talk with, and share with. Friends are people to
do things with. They also have some ideas about how to
treat friends. Friends are nice to each other, they are
helpful, and they protect each other.
In the early teen years, these ideas about friendship change further.
During this time, young teenagers begin to understand
the importance of sharing personal information with
friends. They realize that friends are the ones you can
share your private feelings and thoughts with, not just
those you enjoy being around.
Cooperation
One of the important skills in making and being good
friends is cooperation. Especially in the school-age
years when children spend lots of time playing with each
other, it is important for them to learn to get along
together.
Sharing. Children need to learn how to take turns and share.
Children are more likely to get along with each other
when they can be fair. This means learning to wait while
others get to do something fun. It can also mean
learning to give up a fun activity or a toy so that
another child can get a turn.
Asking permission. Children also need to learn how to ask
permission to join an activity or to play with
something. Sometimes children just try to take over a
situation rather than ask if they can play. Children
need to understand that when they try to push their way
into a game, it is more than likely going to end in an
argument.
Suggestions. Another common problem among children is that one
child will try to boss other children around. Bossy
children are not liked by other kids. Encourage children
to express their ideas, but show them how to offer
suggestions rather than give orders. If a child wants
everybody to play a game a certain way, he or she might
say, “Why don’t we do it this way?” rather than saying,
“Play the game my way.”
Alternatives. Like adults, children have disagreements. In
playing with each other, they must find ways to solve
those disagreements. If a child doesn’t like the way a
game is being played or doesn’t think it is fair, he or
she can suggest another way. This works better than
being bossy or just not playing at all. It is important
to help children understand that finding other ways to
do something will help change the situation.
Winning. Children sometimes get too competitive. They will turn
games into contests and always try to come out first.
Children need to be encouraged to have fun in their
games and play with other children. But don’t ask them
who is winning or who came in first; ask questions about
how much fun it was to play or how well children worked
together as a team. When a child is too competitive,
other children won’t want to play with him or her.
Teaching Cooperation
Children have to learn how to cooperate, it doesn’t just
happen naturally. Adults can be an important source of
help in teaching children how to cooperate.
A first step in helping children learn to cooperate is to pick out
situations where the child has difficulty. Does he or
she have trouble waiting his or her turn? Does he jump
into games without asking? Is she bossy with other
children? Does he end up in lots of disagreements over
rules? Is she always trying to be the winner?
Discussions. The second step could be to talk about the child’s
behavior in the situation. What does he or she see
happening? If you can notice problems such as bossing
others around or always trying to win, discuss this with
the child. Try to get the children to imagine how they
would feel if others were bossy or always trying to win.
You could point out that other children will enjoy
playing with them more if they are less bossy or
competitive.
Another idea is to give them some make-believe situations and ask them
what else they could do besides being bossy or
competitive. Often bossy children have to learn how to
make suggestions rather than give orders. You could ask
the children to pretend and practice making some
suggestions.
Practice. The next step is actually trying to practice these new social
skills. The next time the children are playing,
encourage them to try suggestions rather than give
orders. If you have a chance to watch the child playing,
this would be ideal--then you could see if they try out
the new ideas. Obviously, change will not come about
immediately. You will need to talk several times about
successes and failures as they try out new ways to get
along. Keep looking at the situation, have the children
pretend what to do, and encourage them to try things out
in their play.
Summary
Parents and others adults can be important teachers as
children learn how to get along with their friends. They
need your help in understanding what works and what
doesn’t work. And most importantly, they need your
encouragement as they build strong friendships.
Discussion Questions
The following questions could be used to talk with
children.
- Can you think of times when you play with other children? What can kids do to get along better?
- Sometimes kids get into fights about who is first or who gets a toy or game. What can kids do to solve this problem?
- Sometimes we want other people to do things and so we boss them around. What else could you do besides being bossy?
Activity
With your child, talk about the following situations
and ask what a child could do in them:
- Several children are playing a game; you ask to play and they say “no.”
- A new kid comes to school and is standing to the side while the other children play.
- Another kid is being bossy and telling everybody what to do.
- Five kids want to play a board game, but the rules only allow four to play at a time.
Last Updated 05/12/2009
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