Feature Article
Helping Children Learn about Kindness
Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D., Former Professor, Department of Human Development & Family Studies, College of Human Environmental Sciences, University of Missouri-Columbia
Learning to help is important for building strong
friendships. Children who have strong friendships with
other children care about how they feel. They stick up
for them when others tease them, and they try to make
them feel better when they are hurt or sad.
Helping others is a key to good friendship. It is
also an important social skill that will help children
in all types of relationships. Even at a very early age,
children can tell when others are in distress, but they
still must learn how to help others. Parents and other
adults can help children learn these skills.
Different Kinds of Helping
Children can help others in many different kinds of
situations. The most common kinds of help are those that
take place every day. Children can learn to give praise
when others do well and thank them when they help. They
can also encourage others and take an interest in what
other children are doing. All of these kinds of help
take place as a part of daily life.
Other kinds of help may not be needed every day, but
it is always important for children to learn what to do
in these situations. When a child is being teased or
yelled at, others should step in and stick up for the
child or suggest doing something else. When another
child is sad or lonely, helpful children will try to
comfort the sad one by thinking of something to do or
talking about times when they too were unhappy. Children
can help others in many ways, and learning how to help
will make them feel better about themselves and build
stronger ties with friends.
Learning to Put Yourself in Others’ Shoes
It is critical for children to learn how to put
themselves “in someone else’s shoes” if they are going
to learn to help others. During the school-age years,
children can begin to see things from another person’s
point-of-view. They begin to understand that others may
not view things just as they do, and they can think how
they would feel if they were in that situation - in that
person’s shoes. Knowing how others are thinking and
feeling helps children understand how others might need
help. For example, when a child sees another child get
hurt, he or she can think how it would hurt and
understand the need for help.
We can encourage children to put themselves in
someone else’s shoes by helping them think about how
they might feel in a certain situation. In our daily
lives, we can encourage children to care about others’
feelings and thoughts. When we see people in real life
or in books and on television going through good and
bad situations, ask children to pay attention to how
others are feeling and thinking. For example, when
someone gets hurt on television, we can ask, “How do you
think that person is feeling?” and “What is he or she
thinking about?” These questions focus the child’s
attention on how others feel and think. Also, when
children talk about school or the playground, about who
pushed who or who got in trouble, ask them to think
about how those children must feel and what they might
be thinking. Learning how to put themselves in others’
shoes and imagining how they are thinking and feeling is
an important first step in learning to help others.
Teaching Helping
Parents and adults can help children learn about helping
others in many ways. In general, you can let them know
how important it is to help. When others are unhappy or
in trouble, talk about it with your children. For
example, if there is a news story about someone in an
accident or someone who is hungry or homeless, talk
about why it is important to help these people.
Children’s values come from the values they hear from
others.
Children also learn how to help by doing what they
see adults do. When you as an adult help someone, you
can make a point of showing the child how it works when
someone is helpful. For example, a little brother or
sister might fall down and start crying. As you help,
talk about how you understand that the child is hurt.
Explain your own feelings of distress at seeing someone
else hurt. And as you comfort the crying child, talk
about the good feelings you have when you can make
others feel better. By sharing your thoughts and
feelings, children can both see and hear about your
kindness, and they will have a better idea about how to
help. You may want children to pay special attention to
everyday situations where other children are crying,
frustrated, or lonely. These are important times to
help.
You can also teach children how to help by telling
them how good they are when they are helpful. When
children show care or have ideas about helping others,
take note of it. You might say something like, “You are
being a big help to your little brother today,” or
“You’re really helpful to our family.” By praising
children when they help, we teach them how important it
is to be helpful and how others notice it.
Children also learn about helping by taking care of
others. When children have a chance to look after
younger brothers and sisters or to help other playmates,
they get good practice in helping. School-age children
are too young to babysit all alone, of course, but they
can look out for others for short times while adults are
in another room. Explain clearly to children what they
are to do. “I want you to look after your sister while I
do some laundry.” Tell children that they are really in
charge of caring for the little one.
There are many other chances to encourage children to
help each other. They can teach others how to do chores,
such as how to sweep, how to set the table, or how to
fold clothes. They can teach others how to care for
themselves or get dressed or how to play games and do
homework. By learning to help brothers, sisters, and
playmates, they are learning how to be good friends to
each other. Children can also learn to help by caring
for adults. Doing chores for grandparents, neighbors, or
others who need help can also teach them about helping.
Finally, we teach children about helping others by
treating them with love and kindness. When their cares
and hurts are treated with kindness, they experience the
good feelings that come from being helped. From this,
they understand for themselves the value of helping.
They know that when they show kindness, they are making
others feel good.
Discussion Questions
The following questions could be used to talk with
children.
- Sometimes children call other kids names or tease them. Have you ever seen other kids get teased? What could you do to help?
- Do you think it’s important to help your friends? Why?
- It can help to think about how others feel. How can you tell how others are feeling? What can you do to put yourself in their shoes?
- How would someone feel whose best friend moved away? What could you do to help them?
Activity
Ask children to think about how they would think and
feel if they were in the following situations and how
they would want to be helped.
- You are a new kid in school.
- You have just lost a favorite pet.
- You can’t do some of the math problems in school.
- You aren’t very good at playing sports.
Last Updated 05/12/2009
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