Feature Article
Money talks:
Using communication skills to discuss finances
Kim Allen, Ph.D., M.F.T., state specialist, director, Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting (CASPP), Human Development & Family Studies, University of Missouri Extension; & Christina Crawford, M.A., former extension associate, Human Development & Family Studies, University of Missouri Extension
Have you and your partner ever fought over money? You
are not alone — most couples have experienced an
argument or regular conflict about money. Regardless of
income, money is one of the most common issues of
conflict in a relationship. When money gets tight, the
chance for conflict is even higher. Having to choose
what are priorities when money is tight is not easy. However, there are some tips that can
help when talking about issues that cause conflict. When
bringing up a topic that is likely to be a source of
conflict, use the SPEAK/HEAR skills to help.
Start with a positive. Start by saying something positive about your concern,
such as “I know that it is important for us to be
financially safe” or “I’m glad that we agree that the
bills must be paid first”. We are all more eager to
listen when the tone for the conversation starts with a
positive.
Pay attention to what you
say and how you say it. Be careful about the words
you use, your tone of voice and your body language. You
are more likely to be listened to if you speak in a
gentle, nonthreatening way.
Explain how you feel, using
details. Share how something makes you feel and what
specific situations have upset you. Use an “I” statement
to take charge of your own feelings. Name the specific
behavior that concerns you and how that behavior makes
you feel. For example, “I feel frustrated when you say
you will save money and instead you spend money on
expensive coffeehouse drinks.”
Avoid trigger words, like
always and never. Trigger words are words that can
quickly turn a conversation into a fight. These include
words like always and never. Everyone has their own set
of trigger words as well. Recognize these words and
avoid using them.
Keep it brief, then give your partner a chance to talk. Briefly share your concerns with your partner, then allow your partner a chance to paraphrase what you said and share his or her thoughts.
Once you have had a chance to share your side of the
story, give your partner a turn to use the SPEAK skills
while you listen using the HEAR skills. Use HEAR skills
when you are listening to your partner share thoughts,
feelings, or concerns. When using the HEAR skills, you
are only listening to your partner’s viewpoint, not
sharing your own.
Honor your partner’s
thoughts and feelings. Honoring your partner is
about making your partner feel valued and showing
respect for his or her thoughts and feelings. Show your
partner that you value him or her by listening and
focusing on what your partner is saying, not what you
want to say next.
Empathize: Put yourself in
your partner’s shoes. Empathizing with your
partner means that you understand and can imagine how
your partner might be feeling. Show your partner that
you respect his or her feelings as being real and valid.
Allow a difference of
opinion. Even if you disagree with your partner,
your job as the listener is only to listen to what your
partner is saying and to repeat back what you hear.
Don’t judge your partner or share how you feel.
Repeat respectfully. After your partner is done sharing his or her feelings, repeat what your partner said as closely to his or her words as you can. Repeating your partner’s words helps you to really focus on what your partner is saying.
Couples that use these skills when talking about tough
issues are often able to do so with less conflict. If
you think you are going to have a discussion about a
difficult topic, plan a time and a place where you can
talk and use these skills to help you have a positive
conversation with your partner.
References:
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven
principles for making marriage work: A practical guide
from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Humphries, D. (2001). Can we talk? Improving couple communication. University of Florida Extension. Available: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/pdffiles/FY/FY04400.pdf.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2001). Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). Denver, CO: PREP Educational Products, Inc.
Last Updated 05/12/2009
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