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How to Solve Problems with Your Teens
Amanda Kowal, Ph.D., Assistant Professor, Human Development & Family Studies, Human Environmental Sciences, University of Missouri
Parents and teens usually don’t see eye-to-eye about
everything. Conflict is a normal part of life, but it
can be hard for parents and teens to discuss problems.
These discussions can be angry and frustrating for both
parents and kids. How can parents communicate with teens
about problems?
“I” Messages
When you try to solve problems with your kids, you can
talk to them using “I” messages or “you” messages. “I”
messages describe problems and let kids know that you
trust them and believe they can help you solve the
problem. “You” messages blame kids and can make them
defensive or angry – so kids are less likely to be
interested in solving the problem. For example, let’s
say that 17-year-old Judy comes home after curfew.
Here’s how her mom could respond:
- You message: “You are late again! You should be
home on time. What were you thinking?”
Judy’s response: “Leave me alone Mom! You are always yelling at me!”
- I message: “When you come home late I get
worried because I’m afraid something has happened to
you .”
Judy’s response: “I didn’t realize how worried you get.”
Can you see how, with the “you” message, Judy may become defensive and angry? She is more likely to understand the importance of her curfew with the “I” message – and more likely to come up with possible solutions. Judy’s mom may be angry that Judy didn’t follow the rules, but her real emotion is concern about her daughter’s safety. If she really wants to solve the problem of Judy coming in late, the “I” message has a better chance of working.
How to make “I” Messages
An “I” message includes descriptions of:
- the problem behavior
- your feelings about the behavior
- the effect of the behavior
For example, let’s say that Joe and his younger brother Jason are fighting in the car and disturbing their dad who is driving. To solve this problem using an “I” statement the dad could say: “When you two fight in the back of the car I get worried about driving safely because your fighting is so distracting.”
- When you two fight (description of problem behavior)
- I get worried about driving (description of feelings
- because the fighting is distracting (effect of the behavior)
The key to making an “I” statement is figuring out
what your true feelings about the behavior are. There
are times when you simply feel mad – but if you really
examine your emotions you’ll probably find that more
often you feel worried, concerned, frustrated, or
afraid. Identifying your true feelings, and not just
telling kids that you are angry at them, helps you make
an effective “I” statement. Of course, sometimes you can
have such strong feelings about a situation that it’s
hard to think calmly. In this case, talk a break and
wait to discuss your feelings.
References
Gordon, T. (1976). P.E.T. in Action. Toronto: Bantam
Books.
Last Updated 09/27/2007
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