November 2004

How should I talk to my kids about their father being deployed?

–Rhonda

One thing you and your husband can do is take the time to explain to your children, on their level of understanding, what is about to happen. He can also help by telling your children who will do all the things he usually does. If he has been an active caretaker, talk about who will now help them with their homework, drive them to activities, and put them to bed each night. Even if both of you have shared these activities, it is still important for your children to have a good idea about what to expect.

Set aside time to spend as a family where your children can discuss their feelings and get support from your other family members.

If their dad hasn’t been deployed yet, provide one-on-one time before he leaves. Dad and child can play a game, go for a walk, or go out for an ice cream cone, or make something together. Take a picture of each child with their father so that after he is deployed, they will have something to look at and remember the fun they had together instead of focusing on the stress that surrounded his deployment.

Your children will also want to know how they can stay in touch with their father. Help your children make plans to stay in touch through letters, phone calls, e-mail, videos, or other means.

When my husband gets deployed, everything at home gets a little crazy. We all miss him and even I don’t feel like doing anything as usual, like bed or mealtime routines. After a while, it’s hard to get everything back to normal. Is this OK?

–Lynn

It is common for everyone to feel uneasy for a period of time after a parent is deployed. The remaining parent has a lot of mixed emotions about the deployment—anger, sadness, fear, and pride. Children also have mixed emotions. The days prior to deployment may be filled with much activity and excitement. It is only after the parent is gone that the reality begins to set in.

To help your children and yourself, it is important to get back into your usual routines. Make sure that you and your children get enough rest and eat healthy meals. Some family members may have trouble sleeping, so plan for quiet times and make bedtime routines calming. Try to have at least one meal together each day. Maintain your other routines. They can give you a sense of order in your daily life and, in doing so, can comfort you and keep you going during times of change and worry.

I remember growing up in the military and the excitement when my dad would come home, but I also remember feeling let down when he came home. It seemed like it wasn’t that exciting after a day or so. I don’t want my kids to feel let down. Is there anything I can do to prevent this feeling?

–Elaine

The return of a parent is usually a joyous event. It is similar to other big events in our lives like holidays, special occasions, and exciting vacations. After it’s over, or even during the celebration, there can be moments of sadness or feelings of being let down. Sometimes we spend so much time looking forward to the event that it becomes less than we expected. Age of the child is also a factor; 2 to 5 year olds may be hesitant to interact with their father when he returns because he may seem to be a stranger.

You and your children need to be ready for these feelings. Remind your children that, while it is joyous to have their dad home, lots of things are still the same—dishes still get dirty and homework still needs to be done. Remember that it is normal to have this “let down” feeling. It probably means that life is getting back to normal. You should treat this as a good sign. Also, think about making sure you count the joys of everyday living—encourage everyone in your family to think of one thing each day that makes them happy or proud of the family and of each other. In the long run, these little joys and pleasures weave your family together.

My kids are worried about their dad’s return. They are excited, but are now used to doing a lot of things on their own. How can I help them deal with the changes?

–Jeanette

One of the best things about the deployment of a parent is that children often have to be more responsible around the house. It provides a good opportunity for children to learn new skills and contribute to the family. Your kids may complain, but they often take great pride in contributing and in knowing that their parents value their work. You don’t want to lose this when their dad returns. Most returning fathers are proud of their children’s new abilities. Think about what each child has learned and make sure that their father gets a chance to celebrate your children’s abilities and talents. This could be tying shoes, preparing meals, learning to read and do math, playing a band instrument, or throwing a ball. Also, ask your children to think of ways that their father can help them learn even more new things. This makes their father feel important and involved in each child’s life.