December 2004

John is scheduled to return home very soon. We’re excited—yet I think both of us have changed A LOT this year.

— Courtney

Soon many National Guard families will be reunited. All of us at University Extension hope that the reunion is the joyous occasion that you hope it will be.

It is a time that most family members dream about and have planned with excitement. Even so, there may be worries about the transition and feelings of guilt about even having these concerns.

One of the benefits of today’s technology is that it enables families to interact more frequently while soldiers have been deployed. Hopefully this has helped as a stress reducer because spouses have been able to converse about significant decisions almost daily. Delayed decision making is a stressor in itself.

Even so, emotions may be mixed. For those married a long time, this may have been the first long separation. It may have come at a point in mid-career for the civilian side of life. In some areas, plans may have had to be put on hold. With long separations, the at-home partner increasingly feels lonely.

For young couples or newlyweds, the collaboration on planning the future may have barely begun. It may have resulted in a spouse living with a parent and returning may be more complex.

Families with young children may find that the children have few, vague, or no memories of the military parent. Some children may appear frightened or uncomfortable when the soldier returns. Don’t be surprised and give everyone time to adjust.

For stepfamilies, the absence of the biological parent or stepparent may have brought new challenges in paying or receiving child support, arrangements for school and medical care, visitation, and grandparent involvement.

For the unmarried with significant others, the official, non-recognition of the relationship may have added stress.

Parents of a deployed soldier may be experiencing conflicting feelings, too. If the son or daughter lived at home, what differences will the activation have made in his or her behavior? If the son or daughter is married, should they make a visit right away or wait?

Families that are flexible and able to change roles under stress are more adaptable and function with greater success at the time of reunions.

When a family member has been gone, the entire family is affected. The family member called into service and being there for decisions is psychologically in the family, but physically absent. The family member at home will experience greater demands on his/her roles and over time become more self-reliant. When a soldier returns from the service, the first inclination may be that life will go on the way it was before the absence. That can be a major source of distress and conflict.

Throughout a relationship, change is inevitable and usually the change occurs in expected ways and adults adjust gradually. Being called up is abrupt, typically not anticipated or not anticipated for very long, and hence more stressful.

When the soldier returns, it is best not to introduce major changes into the family, such as the at-home spouse changing jobs, moving, or taking on new obligations. At the same time, applying pressure to resume as it was before may be resisted—if for no other reason than it takes time to decompress and re-establish relationships.

Allow each other to become reacquainted and fill each other in on the changes that have taken place. The at-home adult may not willingly give up some new roles and may resent the returning soldier for taking over. Indeed, for some, the role changes may be personally fulfilling.

Don’t expect things to return to what they were before the call up. In some families, there may be major changes. But all will have experienced change.

Economics often is the major event change. In some families the income through the call-up may have resulted in much higher incomes. Other families may have had to reduce expenses because of lower income. When spouses disagree, money is often the trigger.

Don’t rush to make major purchases. One adult may have dreamed of using savings for a home or education for the children’s future and the other may want to pay cash for a new car or truck. Making that decision quickly may alienate the other adult.

Discipline may have changed. While one parent was away, the other probably experienced significant disciplinary requirements. When both parents are reunited, children may be unclear as to what to expect and may find it difficult to accept direction from the absent adult. The at-home parent may resent the other parent re-assuming an active role upon arrival home and see it as usurping authority.

Take notice of the changes that have taken place. It may be best to wait a few days or even weeks, so that the family feels comfortable and ready to discuss the changes. In some instances, the adults may want to shed some responsibilities. The returning soldier may need some time to adjust to the home routine before taking on a major responsibility. (Not returning to work probably is not an option. But immersing oneself in work or adding new responsibilities may be an option that can be delayed).

What’s the bottom line? Families are able to make successful transitions in a few months and once again “feel like a family.”

-Art

I’m having a hard time gearing up for the holidays. With my spouse deployed, it’s not like I don’t have enough to do already. If it weren’t for the kids I’d just skip it this year. Are routines, rituals and traditions really that important for families?

“Skippy”

A review of 50 years of research has found that family routines and rituals give families a powerful tool for stability during times of stress and transition. The answer to your question is, “Yes, they are important.”

Family routines and rituals that are alive and well are positively associated with marital satisfaction, adolescent’s sense of personal identity, children’s health, academic achievement, and stronger family relationships.

The role that rituals play in giving families a sense of their togetherness makes it even more important in a time of separation. It is important to remember that the holidays can be a very stressful time, no matter what the dynamics of the family.

Our expectations of how things should be can cause more stress especially if they are unrealistic. This makes it more important than ever to have good communication within the family unit about what is most important and how to make it happen.

Holidays have a different meaning for each family member, which makes it more important than ever to communicate to one another what is important and to be sensitive to the needs and feelings of each family member. This is a great time to have a family meeting where you and your children talk about your rituals and traditions and what they mean to each member. The discussion as a family will make the holidays more meaningful for each person.

Look for ways to include the person that is there psychologically but not physically. Each member can choose some part in the holiday festivities that is done traditionally by the person who is away from home. For example, the oldest child might want to carve the turkey. The family could make a card where each person would share something about that person which is very special to them. There are many ways which you can convey how very special they are to you. This will mean a lot to them and it will increase their presence in your holiday celebration. When family members have a voice and active role in a change, they will be more likely to support and adapt to the change.

As a family don’t plan so much that you set yourself up for failure. New traditions are good, but it is always important to leave some traditions in place for stability and familiarity. Do make sure that each person has a part that has meaning for him or her. Your family traditions will strengthen your family during the holiday season by creating feelings of solidarity and oneness among members.

-Bev