February 2005

Dear Art,
I feel guilty just writing this question. Our family life really changed dramatically when my partner was called to active duty. I am so looking forward to his return. In an earlier article, you said that high expectations are common. I worry about what changes his return will bring. While I am excited, I am worried and feeling stressed.

You need not feel guilty for raising your concerns. Life will be different! It will not start from where it was. If you have children, they are a year older. They will have a parent back in their lives. Change is a stressor. It is valueless. How WE choose to interpret it gives it meaning. Uncertainty about what to expect also is a stressor. If you can begin the process of making decisions with your partner in advance, that can help reduce some of the uncertainty.

Separation can be a gain because you have learned resilience and shown the ability to make decisions and handle adversities, as they took place. You probably have gained valuable skills—bartering, learning to manage new tasks, strengthened decision-making abilities. You and your partner may have gained additional responsibilities, knowledge and skills. Greater wisdom expands our individual horizons. It may make it much more difficult to compromise and share gained power.

One way researchers have looked at stress is to divide it into external (beyond our individual control—the economy, your child’s development, cultural values) and internal (things we can change—family roles and rules, your interpretation of what is happening and values). Focus on what is in your power.

Now that both of you have changed, trying to assume the same roles you had before the separation may feel uncomfortable and limiting. You may even be downright resentful that what you have been doing will be taken over by your partner! Discuss how you feel.

Name-calling is destructive and increases strife.

Dwelling on the tensions or potential tensions in a relationship can steer our thinking from a balance of pluses and minuses. “Good communication skills” are commonly suggested as a means to resolve conflict and build relationships. I think that is overstated. Mutual respect and admiration for a partner is fundamental. This is the basis for a strong emotional climate at home. Communication skills to resolve conflicts—and conflicts are inevitable—may reduce antagonism, but the depth and showing of affection and warmth are more important to work through differences and to manage stress. Hugs powerfully communicate warmth and affection.

A study of Pennsylvania couples through courtship and marriage found that one year after marriage the average spouse says “I love you,” hugs and kisses the partner, makes the partner laugh and has sexual intercourse about half as often as when newly wed. For 14 years, the research followed all the couples and looked at the differences between those whose marriages broke up, those who stayed in unhappy but durable marriages, and those whose relationships endured and were happy. Enduring and happy marriages were characterized by partners who helped each other, were sensitively attuned to the other person, and were warm, gentle and understanding.

Here are some general principles you and your partner can practice to help create a climate to reduce stress. Exercise together and support each other. Make time for yourself, as well as each other. We all need some time to decompress. Be a good pillow partner—that is, talk and listen to each other about how your day has gone. This does not mean providing your partner with answers on how to solve the day’s issues. Being able to talk about how the day went is itself a stress reducer. Not being able to talk freely about how good or bad things went adds to stress pileup.

Try to maintain your home routines as much as possible. Changing jobs, making a move or remodeling, for example, are additional changes and mean additional stressors to confront.

Eat when and what you need; do not put food out for visual cueing or stay close to the refrigerator. Tasty food is a pleasure that can be used to offset stress. That can easily lead to dietary difficulties. Eat slowly to allow your brain to get the message when you are full. Those messages take 10 to 20 minutes for the brain to take notice.

Keep a private journal and write down those things that trouble you. Just the act of writing down frustrations can help ease the tension. If the same items persist, bring your feelings to the attention of your partner…and in doing so, try to avoid the word ”you.” This is difficult, but “you” puts the blame on the other person.

Alcohol and drugs muddle clear thinking. Limit your intake. Watch movies and shows or read books that help you laugh.
And finally, do things individually or together that you enjoy. Savor those things; don’t rush them.

With a family member returning, there often is pressure to see the relatives, have friends over, go to parties and move ahead. Talk with each other before making plans. It is easy to get over-committed. Many returning soldiers just want time for themselves and their families. Others may want to visit relatives and friends. Talk about it after your partner comes home. See how well you both handle things at that time. Be selective in your commitments.

There are many challenges ahead. There will be mountains and valleys—but, without the valleys, it would be hard to appreciate the mountains.

—Art
 

We’d appreciate hearing from you! Do you read this newsletter as soon as it comes? Do you look forward to this newsletter? Has the newsletter caused you to think about something differently, or do something differently?

—Cynthia

Cynthia Crawford, editor
crawfordc@missouri.edu
660-886-6908