April 2005

When Pat was deployed I didn't think we'd ever be able to adjust as a family, but we did. Now Pat is coming home and I'm concerned that it's going to be difficult to adjust to having him home. I guess I don't know what to expect. Am I making any sense at all?

-Robin

Throughout a lifetime, relationships face all kinds of obstacles. Some come from not nurturing the original things that brought you together and also from the normal stresses of life, career and family. Many come from our own personal obstacles that originate from our personal expectations of a relationship. It is very important that a couple share their expectations for their relationship.

Expectations affect everything in our life. We each have specific expectations about minor things such as how our partner will squeeze the toothpaste, which will put the trash out, etc. There are also common issues like housework, money, etc. Then we have deeper issues such as how we demonstrate our caring and how power will be shared. Therefore, our expectations play a very crucial role in our relationships as to how happy or disappointed we will be.

Expectations develop over a lifetime of happenings. The sources of our expectations come from our culture (religious and cultural backgrounds), family (developed during our childhood) and previous relationships (developed from all other relationships in our life).

What you expect can either lead to disappointment or to deeper connection in your relationship. For a better handling of expectations, your need to be aware of what you expect, also be reasonable in that expectation, be clear and be willing to do some compromise to meet the other person’s expectations, even when they are different from your expectations.

Many expectations are very unconscious, they become automatic. That means, when you are disappointed, some expectation has not been met; so, ask yourself what you expected. Many times that expectation is not realistic. It is important that both spouses share their expectations and be willing to discuss and evaluate them.

Early in a relationship, both spouses are motivated to please each other. Right now is a good time to decide to work together to meet each partner’s expectations. Accept the disappointments, while also working towards the bigger picture of your life together.

-Beverly Pfeiffer

Source: Fighting for your marriage, The Best-Selling Marriage Enhancement and Divorce Prevention Book, Copyright 2001 by John Wiley and Sons, Inc.

Our children are young and Bill has been deployed for a year. What adjustments will the children likely have as their dad gets back into the swing of things with our family?

-Mom

This is a good question because understanding how different-age children will respond can positively influence the reunion of the father with his children. Change can be very stressful for children and they also have very little experience with it. There possibly may be a 4-6 week adjustment period for the entire family.

Infants (birth to 1 year) cannot be expected to remember a deployed parent who has been gone for quite a while. An infant may cry, fuss, or pull away from this parent and cling to the parent who was their primary caregiver. It is important for the parent who has been gone to move slowly getting involved with the infant in holding, feeding, playing and hugging the baby.

Toddlers (1-3 years) may hang on to their primary caregiver and try to hide from the parent who has been gone. It may affect some of their behaviors and cause them to regress. Once again, give the child time to warm up do not try to force any kind of interaction.

Preschoolers (3-5 years) are very egocentric and feel the whole world revolves around them. It would not be unusual for this age child to think that they may have caused the one parent to go, away or that maybe that parent does not care about them. Parents need to focus on the positive behavior. Do expect some testing of the limits. The primary caregiver, once again, must be in control and supported by the returning parent.

School-age children (5-12 years) will most likely show extreme excitement over the return of their parent, if the relationship was strong before the parent was deployed. This age child will want a lot of attention and will want to tell everything that happened in their life, while the parent was away. If the relationship was not good before, the child may be afraid of being punished for any misbehavior.

Adolescents (13-18 years), we know, are very involved with their peers and very often feel that relationship is the most important one in their life. They also are often moody, so be prepared for many changing emotions. They may not express their emotions or feelings in public; they would not want to be embarrassed. They need positive attention, no criticism. As with all age children, they need some undivided attention from each parent.

-Beverly

It has been our honor to write the Home Front Newsletter for the past year. We appreciate our work with Sgt. Eric Fizer and Donald Johnson in printing and distributing the newsletter.

To our National Guard men and families we want to say thank you for all you have done for our Country.

Please continue to look upon University of Missouri Extension as a key resource for quality information. If any of the three of us can help you in the future, please call!

Art
Cynthia
Beverly