May 2004

Dear Art and Cynthia,
I am the spouse of a National Guard member. While my husband is doing his duty by serving our country, I am here at home trying to make ends meet and doing a pretty poor job of it. My husband has always been the family money manager and bill payer. This is all new to me. I need budget help and fast. Our babysitter needs to be paid and I’ve let the bills pile up too long. Having a babysitter is new because my husband worked nights and I worked days before he was deployed. Can you show me where and how to get started?

Suddenly a Single Parent

I’m already optimistic about your getting control of the family’s finances, because you care enough to ask for help. There are three steps to getting started. First, get your paper shuffle organized.

1. Open the mail when it comes and immediately throw away the junk mail and things that don’t require you to follow-up.
2. Have one place in the home to collect bills. As you get started on taking control, spend at least one hour each week on working to understand the current family bills, paying them and getting the statements filed.
3. Keep track of where your money is going.

Take the “Crawford 30-day challenge.” I’ve recommended this to thousands of people over the years. If you will keep track of your family’s spending for 30 days – cash, credit cards, debit cards and checks – I guarantee you will learn a lot about the family’s expenses. Just let me know if I can send you a form and more information to get started.

Finally, have some patience with yourself. There are lots of changes in your family right now, give yourself permission not to handle the family’s finances perfectly (none of us do).

Cynthia

Baby Sitting vs. Childcare
I want to key in on your point about babysitting. Parents commonly interchange babysitting and childcare. But there is a great difference.

Babysitting is a temporary custody to assure the child is safe while the parent is gone for a short period of time.

Childcare is providing a rich and nurturing environment for children for an extended period of time on a regular basis.

Quality childcare is extremely important. By using licensed child care (which in Missouri is required for a caregiver of more than four unrelated children), a parent is assured that minimum standards are met.

Research has found quality childcare is related to a small number of children per adult, day care with very low rates of adult provider turnover, and providers who have an educational background in early childhood. High standards are required to be designated as an accredited childcare facility.

Visit your child’s care facility at unexpected times and be sure that you feel comfortable with the caregiver and the caregiver’s philosophy. Note if there is a lot of interaction between the adult provider(s) and the children in their care.

University Extension has a guide sheet with more information (GH6233) we can provide to those requesting it.

Art

Dear Cynthia,
I am a twenty-year old wife of a National Guardsman. I can’t seem to get all of our bills paid and I am afraid that my husband won’t have a home to come home to. Could you please advise me on my situation?

Doing my best

Thanks for having the courage to ask for help. The first thing to do is to talk with your creditors that you can’t pay on schedule. I didn’t say it would be easy to do this – but it is important. Explain your situation and that you are not ignoring the problem.

Quality creditors will be impressed if you contact them before they have to come looking for you and will do what they can to work with you.

The creditors that scream the loudest (generally unsecured creditors) may not necessarily be the ones that should be paid first. If you have to pick and choose which creditors to pay, make your mortgage or rent, utilities, car payment and child- support payments priorities.

Let me know if I can provide further information.

Cynthia

Dear Art,
HELP! We have a six year old daughter and she has become whiny and demanding in recent weeks. She has started to wet the bed on occasion and has gone back to sucking her thumb, which is something she has not done since the age of three. Could this have anything to do with her daddy being deployed?

Worried Mom

When there’s family stress, it is common for children to revert to behaviors as when they were younger. First, I would want to be sure that the bedwetting was not due to an infection. Having a wellness check is important.

Do not be overly concerned about the thumb sucking. Thumb sucking provides a sense of security and serves as a way of getting attention. Prolonged, though, it could affect tooth formation.

Sure, this could be a response to her father’s deployment. Having a parent absent for a long period of time is frightening for children.

It is important for your daughter to be able to tell you how she feels. Some children have a temperament that they need to mull things over before they open up.

Assure your daughter that her dad is well trained, careful and works with other skilled soldiers. You might consider asking her to draw a picture of how she feels and talk with you about it. Reassure her often that her dad is being very careful.

University Extension offers a guide sheet, “Communicating Effectively with Children” (GH6123) for children from birth through age 18. Just ask if you'd like a copy.

Art