July 2004

My husband is a National Guard member and has been called to active duty. There was a flurry of paperwork and decision-making before he left. I will admit, I was overwhelmed at the time, a lot was going on. Now I am ready to learn what the Durable Power of Attorney is that he signed. Some soldiers gave their wives Durable Power Attorney and others gave it to parents rather than wives. What is a Durable Power of Attorney? Should it be to the person’s spouse or parent?

Penny Pondering Paperwork

A Durable Power of Attorney is a legal document in which a soldier gives another person authority to make and carry out decisions that are just as legal as if the soldier were making them in person. It is a way of legally delegating decision-making.

Durable also means that if the person becomes mentally incapacitated the document continues to stay valid as long as the person is living. In Missouri, the document must use the word “durable.”

The reason this document is recommended by the military is so that the person given power of attorney can successfully and legally manage the deployed person’s finances and property. It can help things run more smoothly in a soldier’s absence.

The reason durable power of attorney needs to be given carefully is because there can be big problems if the person given the power of attorney takes advantage of the situation or is dishonest. Only give durable power of attorney to someone you trust at least 110%.

To whom does a married military person give durable power of attorney? That’s a personal decision. We wouldn’t automatically assume that a soldier doesn’t trust his or her spouse if s/he gave power of attorney to a parent instead. It may be that the soldier is thinking that two heads are better than one when it comes to decision-making. S/he also may realize that the spouse has lots of extra responsibility in his or her absence and this lets a parent help out.

If you would like to learn more information on power of attorney, you can contact the Saline County Extension office and request a four-page leaflet that explains in more detail exactly what a power of attorney is and why the document is important (and why most of us need one, whether we are a soldier or a civilian).

Jeanette and Cynthia

My husband has recently been deployed and I am having problems with our children and discipline or lack thereof—when my husband is home we make a very good team, when it comes to discipline. I set boundaries and my husband helps to reinforce and honor the boundaries. My problem is, the kids are pushing and breaking boundaries that they wouldn’t have considered before their dad left. How do I regain my much-needed control without being overly strict or unfair? Oh yes, our children are both teenagers and one is driving!

Pulling My Hair Out

Ages 13, 15 and 17 are typical years when we see less compliance by our children. There also is greater likelihood a child does not comply if the child is of the opposite sex. Teens also are in the process of personal growth that increasingly is found outside of the household with peers.

I am not sure what kind of boundaries you are establishing. The goal of discipline is self-control by the individual, not by another. A parent may be able to spend more time with the children when a spouse is deployed and—among teens—there could be resistance to the parent doing so.

Expectations for major rules need to be consistent, such as meals together, bedtimes, homework and home chores. Major changes in family rules and consequences will create additional problems. The family still needs to stay connected.

Teens may want to spend more time with peers; that is to be expected. It is important to know their friends. When friendships change—the three best friends are no longer around—that is a signal that something major has happened or is happening. By monitoring friendships, we help assure that our children associate with children whose families share our values. Invite your teens to have their friends over to the house. Periodically visit with them—like when having snacks or when they first arrive or leave—but allow them time to visit with their friends.

Withdrawal and irritability are common among teens and may become more noticeable during deployment. Patience and calmness are particularly necessary at this time.

It is not unusual for teens to become glued to the television set for news on what is happening. Regular television news and an occasional special provide opportunities to discuss what is happening

As a parent, your worries and concerns are best shared with adult friends. Hopefully your teens are involved in at least one out-of-school youth group e.g. 4-H, Scouts, YMCA or church/temple/mosque youth group. This provides additional structure for the teens, yet supports time with friends.

Many teens work. Discourage working anymore than 10 hours a week during school sessions. Chores are a necessary part of life and teens need to contribute to the family well being by sharing in chores.

Try chores with children, like laundry, lawn work and cooking. Parent and child working together on a common project contribute to parent-child bonding. The mutual sense of accomplishment in working together strengthens family cohesiveness.

I appreciate the collaboration of Former State Human Development Specialist Kim Leon for this response.
 

Beverly