September 2004

My National Guard spouse has been deployed for several weeks and I am still having trouble dealing with the separation.

I thought that I could handle him being gone, but some days I just go from one extreme to the next. I feel anger that he is gone one minute, then overwhelming guilt the next because I know he is doing what he has to do. Then self-doubt; can I really handle him being gone for a year or more?

Is this normal, or have I gone off the deep end?

–Startled by All My Feelings

Normal in itself is not good or bad. It is normal to have colds, but it doesn’t help a lot to know that it is normal while you are experiencing the cold.

Loss, emptiness and abandonment are very “normal” feelings after a spouse’s departure. You might have experienced those same feelings when you were younger and went to school, or to camp, or to college, or when you got your first apartment.

Humans prefer stability. We function best when we are in our “normal” routines. Deployment is disruption. While planning helps minimize the impact, it does not eliminate it.

While many spouses may experience periods of anger, sadness, resentment, frustration or guilt, for most these are intermittent and not persistent. If these feelings are persistent—six to eight weeks or longer—help from a trained professional may be necessary.

Usually it is in times of challenge that we learn that we can adjust. Former Missouri U. S. Senator Jean Carnahan, who in one evening lost her husband and son and one of her close friends, has written a book that I would recommend for its inspiration and personal courage, “Don’t Let the Fire Go Out,” in which she discusses her feelings.

She had even more tragedy when her home was destroyed by fire a few months later and many of her most meaningful personal family possessions were irreplaceably lost.

The next day, a Sunday, she decided that she would delay returning to Washington, D.C. to sift through the debris and handle some home needs.

The following day was 9/11. That massive attack resulted in her returning to Washington, D.C., to help deal with a national crisis. When asked how she kept going with all that had happened she commented that she just did what she had to do and her focus was key.

Another inspirational book is Christopher Reeve’s “Nothing Is Impossible.” It’s now available in paperback.

Mo-river.net has more than 85 inspirational pages that might offer a “pick-me-up.” Go to Mo-river.net, then click on "Reference" near the bottom of the page. The URL is: www.mo-river.net

Try to maintain your normal routines as much as possible. Expect there will be disruptions. Remember that before your spouse was deployed there were disruptions, too.

A diary may help. Writing in itself is a form of self-therapy. Keep what you write. Someday, it may be among your most treasured memories.

Close friends and relatives are part of your personal support system. Talking about your feelings helps reduce their impact.

And finally, don’t withdraw. We all need personal time and space, but withdrawal amplifies our emotional feelings. Walks, projects, hobbies and conversations with friends keep us connected and involved.

–Art

My son said he doesn’t want his dad to come home. I don’t think he really means this, but I am concerned about what he is thinking. Is this a common reaction to a parent being deployed?

–Perplexed Mom

There are many reasons why children may say that they don’t want a parent to return. It may be that they don’t want to deal with the change to come. Your son may be worried about things that happened in the past. Or it may just be a reaction to other worries about the parent.

This is common. Your child gets used to his world being a certain way and it’s hard to change. It is important to find out what your child is worried about or what he is thinking. Ask him questions. This will give him a chance to figure out what to do. You can also call ParentLink at 1-800-552-8522 for additional help.

What is ParentLink?

The mission of ParentLink is to help Missouri's parents provide safe, healthy and nurturing environments for their children. Their web site contains a wealth of information that is helpful to anyone taking care of children at any point during their day.

There are many different areas covered on this site, from how to parent a teenager to how military families can better cope with deployment. In fact there is information available on how to do both of those things at the same time.

This web site can be especially helpful to military families. There are many different topics covered to help these families feel more at ease as well as to help them transition from one way of life to the next such as deployments and reunions.

This information can be found in the Frequently Asked Questions sections of the Healthy Parenting Toolkit. The website is: http://outreach.missouri.edu/parentlink

The website also has information about the ParentLink “warm line” to call at 1-800-552-8522. The lines are open from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday through Friday.