STEPFAMILY QUIZ

By: Kim Leon, Former Human Development & Family Studies, University of Missouri
Answer True or False for Each Question.

1. A stepfamily is like any other family - there are just more people.  False

Reality: Stepfamilies are unique in several ways:

• Many stepfamilies are born of loss (divorce, death, separation). Stepfamily members may be dealing with unresolved grief. Children grieve the loss of their first family, even if there were problems.
• More and more stepfamilies are formed when a never-married parent marries a new partner who is not the biological parent of the child. Even if the child has never known the other biological parent, that parent may have a strong psychological presence in the child’s life.
• Each family is coming to the stepfamily with its own history, routines, and traditions.
• Children are often members of two households.

2. During the early stages of the stepfamily's development, it is important to focus on establishing the stepparent-stepchild relationship. False

Reality: It is important for parents to think about how their children will feel about a having a new stepparent in their lives. Planning how and when the children should meet the new stepparent-to-be is helpful. Children should be told ahead of time about this meeting. It is also important to discuss parenting roles and responsibilities with the stepparent-to-be ahead of time. However, it is also important to build a strong couple relationship and not try to force close stepparent-stepchild relationships. The stepparent-stepchild relationship usually takes much longer to develop. Building a strong couple relationship makes it easier to discuss and effectively deal with the differences in expectations, routines, and parenting styles that often arise in stepfamilies.

3. It generally takes 4-7 years for a stepfamily to stabilize. True

Stepfamily development is a lengthy process, but stepfamilies do go through specific, predictable stages.

4. Stepparents should immediately start disciplining their stepchildren. False

Reality: Stepparent-stepchild relationships go more smoothly when the stepparent acts as a friend, rather than a parent toward the stepchild at first. Spending time doing things with stepchildren that they like to do and leaving the discipline to the biological parent are important steps to building a positive relationship with stepchildren.

5. For children’s sake, adults should avoid contact with their former spouse. False

Reality: Children's other biological parents are important to them and do not disappear when a stepfamily is formed. Children adjust better to divorce and remarriage if they have continuing, supportive relationships with both parents. It is easier to form positive stepfamily relationships if stepparents support the relationship between the child and the nonresidential parent.

6. Loyalty issues are one of the biggest problems that face children in stepfamilies. True

Children are especially likely to experience loyalty conflicts when a parent is not supportive of the child's relationship with the stepparent or vice versa. According to one child:

"If Mom hadn't badmouthed Barb (stepmom), it would have been a lot easier for me. She made me feel like I was choosing sides if I liked Barb".

7. Although it takes time, love must develop among all members in the stepfamily if it is going to succeed. False

Reality: Stepfamily members don't have to love one another to have a well-functioning family. What is important is that stepfamily members treat one another with respect.

8. Biological parents should not allow children to express negative feelings about their stepparent. False

Reality: It is important for children to be able to express their feelings, particularly during stressful situations. Children may need help learning how to express their feelings appropriately. Conflict is a normal part of the process of stepfamily formation, and open communication is necessary for developing healthy family relationships.

9. Older children have an easier time adjusting to parental divorce and remarriage. False

Reality: Family transitions are difficult for both younger and older children—their stress appears in different ways depending on their age. Adjusting to a stepfamily can be just as difficult, if not more so, for teenagers as it is for young children. Therapists have observed that the process can take longer for stepfamilies with older children.

10. There is a legally recognized relationship between stepparent and stepchild. False

Stepparents do not automatically have legal rights to authorize medical care or have access to school records, among other rights.

Source:
Leon, K. (2004). Step by Step: Creating Strong Stepfamilies Curriculum. University of Missouri Extension.